☼: August 2012

Saturday 18 August 2012

http://howtoraiseyourvibration.blogspot.co.uk/

Oh Master, show some compassion on me
Please come and dwell in m heart

Because without you, it is painfully lonely
Fill this empty pot with the nectar of love

I do not now any Tantra, Mantra, or ritualistic worship
I know and believe only in you!

I have been searching for you all over the world.

Please come and hold my hand now.

Friday 17 August 2012

I'm really glad i watched this because, whilst embracing the inner goddess is something i talk about ALOT with some of my closest friends - especially Tanya and Nance in their beautiful womb of a flat in Severn Sisters - i always feel bad for getting my nails done, checking out the new Nikes, fake tanning and sometimes wearing false eyelashes.

A while ago i started reading 'The Beauty Myth' and decided that my aim 'should' be to get the point in my life where i could skip about without makeup on, dye in my hair or any kind of fakery. A pretty big ask of a 20 year old girl raised in the most self conscious time that's ever been and dipping in and out of self esteem issues. Also, as this video reminds me, a pretty big and maybe not constructive ask of a creative person.

There's a pretty distinct pattern in my life of feeling tamed and pushing back against that by expressing myself through my outer goddess. I can trace this as far back as being really little and wanting the wild, thick, earthy hair of Pocahontas - bloody loved that girl. Still do. I just decided one day that i wasn't the thick, short bob and fringe my mum chose for me, and tried to avoid haircuts from then on. To be fair i did go and curl up asleep with the goats we had down the bottom of our garden, spoke to our chickens and believed in fairies - that's pretty Pocahontas. I remember sooo vividly too, always wandering away in Boots to stroke the little black loop of hair that showed the colour of the box of dye it was above (i already had black hair... spose i thought it wasn't quite Poca enough).

When i got older i used massive boyish clothes and long, unbrushed hair to tell everyone to fuck off because i knew i wasn't pretty and i didn't even want to be anyway so whatever (yeeeah, riiiiiight).

At school i got piercings, shaved one side of my head, got told off by aggressive P.E. teachers everyday for wearing a million rings and nail varnish but NOT that gross manly blazer with shoulder pads. Shoulder pads!!?

And at 6th form got some tattoos and went through my phase of literally only wearing vintage or clothes i got from a charity shop - shoes could be docs or sandals i stole from my sister, but everything else had been bought from grannies and hacked to the right length with fraying ends. That's pretty standard now, but at the time me, Soph & Jess got some looks.

Again, just before i went travelling i dip-dyed my hair a weird kind of gingery colour, and when i got back made it green and then lilac and eventually when it seemed to explode into one of those massive, annoying trends, dyed it back black. By that time i was at uni, and finally had a great balance between inner and outer creativity - maybe i didn't feel like i had anything to push back against anymore. I was happy looking pretty standard and boring amongst the more mental, shaved heads, multi coloured, cross dressing, overtly sexual people on my arts campus.

So looking back i can see it's something i've always done - why should i feel guilty now? It's like i've suddenly decided that i should be better than that, that my morals should be higher because women can be massively controlled by expectations of their appearance - i should be brave and step out of line with that. But if it makes me feel good to get nail extensions, why shouldn't i?

I'm starting, again, to see it as a blessing to be a woman in the way that men don't have as many socially acceptable ways to express themselves. Being a girl is BEAUTIFUL, and the creative freedom we have over our bodies is part of that. At the start of 1st year that meant covering myself up in massive t shirts that covered my ass and only wearing leggings - i felt more comfortable hanging out with the boys that way too. But right now it means wearing makeup, getting my tits out a bit cause i love them and they're brill, wearing jeans that you can see my ass in, and as i'm writing this i'm in the process of dying my hair pink.

What Would Poca Do